Sep 30, 2015

WALK ON THE MEMORY LANE PART 4

Something really excited happened on Monday. I started interning at InStyle! I got the job through a class mate's friend and I had to start the next day. At first I was only going to stay there for a week, but they asked me to stay for another week. It's a great opportunity to learn something new and get my CV look even better :-)

Anyway, this is the fourth part of the 'Walk on the memory lane' series. Year 2014, ladies and gentlemen!


Text: I made a promise when I moved to London to start sharing more about my life. I think I managed to do that quite well.

Example: "These days I feel like people get judged if they aren't doing anything. I know I feel terrible every time someone tells about their super busy schedule and all I have to say is: "Well, I'm going to stay in and watch tv" - even if it's something I want to do."

Posts usually about: About normal stuff: school, worries, friends and trips. No more 'Here's what I bought' posts. I also filmed a few videos.

Song that described me perfectly that one day: Vanessa Hudgens - Afraid, Miley Cyrus ft. Emily Osment - Where Ever I Go and Demi Lovato - Catch Me.

How often? During the last part of finals (Jan-March) not so often, same during the summer (Jun-Aug) because I was busy working. However, I got a bit more active once I moved to London and didn't have as much social life. Altough, I have to say, I still did my disappearing tricks every now and then.

Hais style: Long with a fringe in the beginning of the year before I decided to grow it out. Then it was long with a overgrown fringe and after that long with two annoying shorter parts bouncing both sides of my head.

Favorite piece of clothing (according to pictures): white sneakers, red scarf, fedora hat, crop tops, black skinny jeans and denim jackets.

Favorite look: 24 (runner-up: 16).

Least favorite look: 3.

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you stand there like a ghost shaking from the rain
she'll open up the door and say 'are you insane?'
say it's been a long six months
but you were too afraid to tell her what you want
and that's how it works, that's how you get the girl

Sep 27, 2015

ONE IS A LONELY NUMBER

I apologise for my one week of absence, but I had a reason. I became a whole year older last weekend and I had to think things through. I knew I wanted to write about getting older – wiser being questionable  though– but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it what was troubling me. I’m not sure if my mind is any clearer after a week, but let’s try anyway.

Birthdays have always been a sort of a big deal in our family. We wake each other by singing the typical ‘Happy Birthday’, open the gifts and then we have some kind of a special breakfast and for dinner we have our favourite foods. The whole day is dedicated to the celebrated one. It’s all lovely and it makes you feel special.

This was my first year when I didn’t celebrate my birthday with my family. The day before I felt kind of sad that I would have to bake my own birthday cake (or cupcakes in this year’s case) and no one would wake me up singing. In addition, I didn’t really see anything happy in becoming older. All these considered, I wasn’t really looking forward to the actual day.

On the morning of my birthday I was surprised to hear N coming in singing and holding a cupcake. I was so shocked that I couldn’t really say anything. It wasn’t until she left to work that I felt this ball of emotions growing inside me. It felt really good and well, special that she would do that to me. Little gestures are the best ones.

All in all my birthday was quite successful. I met with friends, ate so many of those damn cupcakes and for a moment I didn’t think about anything besides the company of my friends and whether I should have yet another cupcake (I did). We laughed and danced salsa and walked in Camden during the night. It was very normal, but still there was something magical. It was my night.

When the following day dawned, it hit me – the loneliness. It had been lurking behind like a shadow for the whole week, waiting to strike me when I was feeling the lowest. It was catalysed by the sheer acknowledgement that I was technically alone on my birthday. Of course I shared it with my dear friends, but apparently that wasn’t satisfying enough. I came to a conclusion that I need to feel that unconditional love on a special day. I used to get it from my family, but since they are most likely out of the picture for the next few birthdays, it would leave me with a single option: finding that someone who loves me.

I’m not entirely sure why that realisation paralysed me so completely that I was unable to move from my bed the entire day. Sure, some of it was pure laziness and excuses of actually having to clean the flat and do something productive. It wasn’t the ideal way to start the Year of the Dragoon that E and I had jokingly started the night before. Year of the Dragoon includes us exploring the city we live in, experiencing everything and more that we can, saying ‘yes’ to every new encountering and occasion. Me laying in the bed the whole of Sunday then made me sort of an anti-Christ of this cult.   

While I was watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower (very good, I recommend) where the main character is a lonely teenage boy with little to no friends – until of course he meets the love of his life and her gay step-brother and becomes best friends with them – I really started to question my life. What am I doing with it? Am I doing the right things at the moment? Am I really any good at what I think I’m okay at – writing, fashion, being a good friend? Why am I wasting my life starting at a screen while I could be discovering new things just by getting out of my pyjama?

I mentally started answering those questions. I came to a conclusion that I don’t really know what I’m doing with my life, I guess I’m just doing what feels alright. If it feels alright, it must be the right thing, mustn’t it? However, I couldn’t shake the loneliness away. It had become dark outside and I was still surrounded with my feelings. I felt worthless and the most unlikable person ever. The most depressing thought occurred to me: what if I was still doing the same thing in three years’ time? Or worse, ten years’ time?

That thought made me sink even deeper. There was no reason or proof that this would happen, but what if? This ‘needing’ of that someone special doesn’t really happen to me anymore because I truly believe that everybody finds that someone when the time is right. I hate myself for admitting of needing a man in my life. I have created this bubble, façade or whatever you want to call it to prevent myself of getting hurt again. Singleness has almost become a part of my identity. I have tried to be there for my friends – single or not – and help them through their relationship problems and moments of desperation, trying to assure them that everything will be okay. I have tried to be the strong one so they would have something to rely on. He/She is out there and the magical encountering will happen when the universe wants it. Settling for something less than you deserve is not something that is on my ‘to do’ list and it shouldn’t be on anyone’s. I guess that’s why I was completely taken aback how hard this, nowadays, so unfamiliar feeling hit me. The walls it had took so long to build just crumbled down and I felt worried and completely, utterly alone. Being so far away from my own support group only made it worse to deal with. I eventually fell asleep with these thoughts in my mind.  

The next day I was fine. I felt even a bit ashamed how dramatic I had been, even though I knew there was no reason to. I decided to embrace the new year in my life with such a determination and started living the Year of the Dragoon like it deserved. I went out to see the Louis Vuitton Series 3 with my friends, I worked my ass of at work and now I’m finishing this piece that is one of the most honest ones yet seen in this blog. I guess I’m going to be alright. I still have 350-something days to live my life to the fullest until I have to worry about the possible loneliness the next birthday will bring. Or who knows, maybe this year is the year that someone stumbles into my life and never wants to leave. After all, it is the Year of the Dragoon.

21

Last week I turned 21 years old. That is an age that used to have a lot of meaning for Finns, still has a lot of meaning in the States, but to me just seems like a beginning of an end. Alright, I might be a bit too dramatic, but I won't lie: I have a minor age crisis. 21 can definitely not be called as 'old', but from now on I won't be twenty - I will be twenty-something, and as far as I'm concerned, that can be either 21 or 29. It's just a tiny depressing I think.

Read more about my thoughts on turning 21 here.

Moving on to a slightly less-depressing subjects, meaning the actual celebration day. I know I'm a week late, but I still want to share my day with you.

It all started a bit too early for my liking. I woke up right after eight a.m. for no apparent reason. I stayed in bed and actually started to work on the 'Walk on the memory lane' series. I also opened my present from Julia and replied all the waiting texts wishing me happy birthday. It was very lovely. Just before nine when I was about to get up, Nati came in carrying a pink cupcake and singing 'Happy Birthday' to me. I was so surprised because I thought we'd meet in the evening and celebrate then. It made me really happy :-)

When she left for work, I kept replying the incoming messages (makes me sound like a celebrity at the moment haha) and started doing some execercise. I then enjoyed a healthy smoothie and took a shower. After that, I tiptoed with the towel around me to the living room where the cupcake was waiting. I absolutely couldn't wait any longer, and let me just say, it tasted divine. I bet the frosting was made 100% sugar and butter - and I wouldn't have had it the other way.

Then it was time for me to hop in the tube and hit Portobello Road Market with Mia and have a birthday brunch there. You know those moments when you are sure you won't meet anyone and then you do and on top of that it is the person who you were supposed to meet? Yeah that happened, Mia and I bumped into each other at King's Cross. We found a lovely little cafe in Portobello Road and had a delicious brunch there. The best part was that Mia paid the whole thing, hehe. Before leaving, I needed to get myself something sweet from the bakery stall at PR. I got myself a brownie just because I could.
  
Then Mia hurried to work and I hurried home to skype with my dear family. Then it was time for me to run to Tesco and buy all the groceries I needed for the delicious meal (homemade pizza and rasberry cupcakes) I was going to prepare for my friends. It took longer than I expected and by the time I was hands in the pizza dough, Wendy arrived. Emma and Nati came right after and soon we were able to start celebrating ME.

We hadn't seen each other the whole summer so naturally we kept on talking until like midnight. We pondered for a moment whether we should go out or not because we were already having a good time. Wendy said, however, that otherwise it would be fine, but she was afraid that I would regret spending my 21st at home. That pretty much setteled it and we headed to Camden.

We wandered a bit until we found a Cuban bar. It was relatively cheap and we could hear the Latin music to the streets so we were sold. Inside, however, it was packed, and I'm talking about not-being-able-to-move-my-hips-let-alone-shake-them packed. We didn't stay there for that long because we got annoyed and well, I was too old for that. I needed my bed. After all, it was two a.m. already.

So I ended up having a good birthday after all. Emma and I decided that this was going to be the Year of the Dragoons (don't ask), meaning that we would attend as many happenings and parties etc as we could. That didn't start very well because the next day I barely moved from my bed. Heck, I'm old now, I need to rest.

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well it's your birthday
let's act like it is and just go crazy
do what we want with no reason why
life ain't long enough so let's celebrate
and get drunk on good love
and remember what it's like to dance all night
we'll dance all night

Sep 26, 2015

WALK ON THE MEMORY LANE PART 3

Happy Saturday everyone!

Yesterday was my last day at Drapers and it went well. I'm glad I got the opportunity to work there and actually write and not just make coffee. I learned how to work in an office and what it requires to be a journalist - it's hard work. Most importantly, though, I'm glad I have this in my CV now and I can start looking for another internship. Hopefully it will be easier to find this time :-)

Yesterday Emma had her flatwarming party (have I mentioned she lives literally three minutes away from us? Well, she does) and today I went back to school. Not to study - yet - but to earn myself a bit of pocket money. I've helped out before in the open days that our held for new students and decided to do it today as well. Plus, I'm like £80 richer right now.

Anyway, to entertain your Saturday night, here's the third post of the 'Walk on the memory lane'. Hope you like it :-)


Text: I started writing more about my life, more personla stuff as well. However, in the attempt of still being mysterious I didn't tell any names or even what had happened. Since I didn't post daily anymore, I would share more about my normal routine.

Example: "Today I felt more alive than I had in the last months. I put on makeup. I put on shorts and sunglasses. I'm moving on."

Posts usually about: Books that I've read, things that happened, 'My week through my phone' posts, accompanied by some outfits. Less and less of actually introducing what I've bought. I did a couple of model shoots with Julia.

Song that described me perfectly that one day: Erin - Vapaa, Taylor Swift - Forever and Always, Taylor Swift- Story of Us, Taylor Swift - Red, Taylor Swift - White Horse, Miley Cyrus - I'll Always Remember You, and Demi Lovato - Heart by Heart.

How often? A couple times a week. Sometimes not a single one during one week and then five the following week - kind of like it is right now. Between June and October there was a visible decrease because of my finals part1. As a matter of fact, I had a month's break in September just to focus on studying.

Hair Style: Overgrown bob cut with a fringe, later mid length with a fringe.

Favorite piece of clothing (according to photos): Black Zara heeled ankle boots, black skinny jeans, crop tops of every kind, caps, round sunglasses, and wife-beater shirt.

Favorite look: 7 (runner-up: 10).

Least favorite look: 20.

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all you had to do was stay
had me in the palm of your hand
why did you have to go and lock me out when i let you in?
now you say you want it back
now that it's just too late